You spot that person you don't like at the family gathering, at work, at the gym, or at a friend's birthday party. "Ugh. Why do I hate being around them? Why do they irritate me, shake me up, and make me angry? Why do they make me feel so unsettled?"
Maybe you keep finding yourself on the same date with the same "type" and you keep asking yourself, "Why do I keep falling for this kind of person when I know they aren't good for me?" We've all been there. Even those of us who "see the good in everyone."
Over time, we decide to create an "us and them" mentality. You may even hear it in your internal dialogue (if you're the kind of person who has one!) that what you're seeing in others is "wrong" or "we don't act like that" or "I would never do that."
But here's the thing: We all have an internal system. We all have dimensions and parts of ourselves. Some of which we like, get praised for, or that make us socially "good." But we also carry within us “the Shadows.”
Take just a moment to think about someone you don't like…
Good.
You immediately felt that "yuck" feeling. Maybe you even made a face. One of your “parts” definitely made a face. You know how you feel about them. You can feel that in your blood. Maybe you find yourself saying, "I don't like them because they are the complete opposite of me" or "I don't like them because they are rude, selfish/self-centered, disorganized, lazy"…. the list can go on and on.. But whatever the reason you've justified, take a closer look.
What's actually happening here is this: We have “Shadows,” which are simply the aspects of ourselves that our conscious ego does not identify as "self."
I affectionately call mine "my little monsters." After a lot of personal work, I now find them to be small, fuzzy, endearing little creatures that I don't usually sense unless I'm in the presence of someone who outwardly reflects them back to me.
Your Shadow sometimes identifies someone else's Shadow projecting outwardly, for all to see and experience and this stirs up your system.
It's because that thing, that quality you loathe? Yeah, you have a little of that, too. And that yuck feeling, that internal conflict? It’s actually your very own little monster, who the rest of your “parts” work VERY hard not to feed, witnessing someone else freely feed theirs. Let that marinate for a moment.
At least one of your parts just refused to accept that statement.
So try this: when you hear yourself saying, "I am nothing like them" or "that behavior, personality, temperament…they drive me nuts"
Try, "I have a little of that" and see how it softens you. "Somewhere inside me, I have that, too." You don't like it because you have it.
What if you started from there? How different could human connection in general look? It certainly would diminish devisiveness, which I think we could all use right about now.
If you are a parent and your response to your children's tantrum is anger, embarrassment, impatience, frustration…Notice that. If you are taking your child's behavior or emotional expression personally, accept in that moment that you too, are capable of that. You, too, have felt that way or maybe feel that way but you don't allow those parts of you to be forward facing. Do this and watch peace infiltrate your connection with your kids. "Yeah, I have some of that, too."
Here's why you should consider this world-view change.
Whatever frustration, impatience, anger, resentment or confusion you feel towards those who reflect back the shadows inside of you, know this:
Those are your burdens. That's weight you carry. And that's discomfort in your body. It's absolutely tormenting. Asking yourself on repeat, "How? How do they get away with it? How do they get accepted for being like that?" These questions torment you. And this is a way out of that because you have a little of that too AND you possess the consciousness and awareness to empathize, to elevate and to execute.
To learn more about Internal Family Systems watch the link below:
Authored by Daron Elam, LPC