“Shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“Children are to be seen and not heard.”
“What goes on in this house stays in this house.”
If you grew up in a black household there is a good chance that you’ve heard these phrases at some point or another. They echo the cycles of generational traumas passed down by our ancestors in hopes of effectively parenting, disciplining, or warning our children.
While these phrases are meant to convey love and discipline, they have created a culture that does not accept “big” emotions and strong feelings, a culture with ineffective communication, and zero tolerance for asking for help. Surely the impact of slavery birthed such survival instincts. We are to be strong, quiet, and resilient.
These phrases and corresponding behaviors have put conditions on love and resulted in abusive households, and traumatic childhoods.
As the next generation of black parents, we are left holding the baton to begin a new style of parenting and positively impact our children, families, and communities. But how do we do that when we ourselves are still learning to heal from our own generational trauma? We must begin to form new thoughts, new traditions, and new behaviors.
Generational Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that has been handed down from generation to generation. One type of trauma that has impacted our culture negatively stems from the way we were parented and how we continue to parent.
Here are 3 ways to help take steps in the right direction to make a change for the better:
Do Something Different
Being raised in turmoil and dysfunction creates a feeling of normalcy. Trying something different, and considering new experiences can be uncomfortable and challenging. But let’s be honest, doing the same thing over and over again is only going to result in the same outcome. And it’s time for something different. Keep an open mind. This part is vital to making positive changes. It’s time to shed the heavy cloak of hurt, shame, and guilt and try to step into understanding, healing, and growth. Instead of the phrases you grew up hearing, try out the phrases “It’s ok to be upset” or “I know this is hard, how does that make you feel?” or “Can you tell me what’s on your mind?”
2. Ask for Help
In order to create new experiences to pass on to our children, families, and communities, healing starts with you. After generations of shame over asking for help, seeking therapy in the black community is slowly becoming more acceptable. Talking with a professional about your hurt, pain, and past trauma can be helpful and allows you to find your inner strength. Self-awareness is powerful and makes space for you to understand how your past impacts your present and others around you.
3. Take Action
There are many ways you can start to take action to help enhance your healing. You can start by:
Do some digging in your past to learn about your family’s story. Sometimes learning about the trauma your great grandparents, grandparents or even your own parents endured can enhance your perspective of how behaviors and cycles were repeated. You may find that some of these stories have shown up in your own life.
Communicatie with your children, family or community about what you are learning or how generational trauma impacts you personally. Instead of remaining silent, speak up and help others understand what generational trauma is and where to start.
Set an example by your actions. Your children are watching, and even when you don’t think they’re paying attention, they are. Teach them differently than how you were taught. Handling conflict or anger in front of your children in a healthy way can be a positive influence on them. Encourage open communication with them, celebrate with them, cry with them when they’re upset and let them know it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to ask for help.
Implement some self-care activities. These can include journaling, dancing, taking time for yourself, meditation, going to therapy, or just relaxing. Self-care in our community is needed for healing and taking time for yourself can help improve how you interact with others and show up for yourself.
The cycle of generational trauma does not have to continue and we have the chance to create new, healthier norms in the black community. Be open-minded about learning your family’s history and how trauma shows up in your life so that you can try something new. Once you begin taking personal action, that impact can grow beyond yourself. By making these changes, the next generation will learn healthier values, morals, and behaviors and will pass it on to the generation after them and beyond to reduce traumatic childhoods in the black community. Creating, growing and nurturing healthy black generations of families to come will take time, but planting the seed begins with you. Are you ready to rewrite your story for generations to come?
Authored by Shae Ivie-Williams, LPC