I have such a higher respect for Suicide Prevention and Awareness month now than where I stood from my high school years to the turning point where I reached out for help in August of 2016. I saw where my addiction destroyed all serenity and trust of my loved ones especially my son who was two years old at the time. Even before that moment, looking at my earlier days where the thought of taking my own life started at the age of 12. That year was where I was still grieving the sudden loss of my father on top of seeing my mother going through addiction to the point where I was caring for her and my younger brother. At that time, I was the parent which built a high amount of pressure and sacrifices based on my decision.

When I entered middle school and high school, I rarely had any other students I can connect with because I made the choice to be an adult early to make sure my family was taken care of. As a result, I was bullied constantly based on how I was dressed, how I looked physically. This developed into a pattern to hurt myself by starving myself just so I can look like the other girls and be someone I’m not. I didn’t figure out then that these patterns would spiral me into the darkest abyss in my head where killing myself sounded more peaceful than living.

I kept these thoughts quiet if I was high or drunk because if I was inebriated those thoughts would be stuffed down. But when the substances and alcohol stopped working, the thoughts were daily. At this point I’m 23 years old, a new mother to a beautiful baby boy, amazing job at a big tech company and a full-time student. I had the façade right where others saw a successful young woman that is raising a family. I wish that was what I saw, however I was screaming on the inside in fear and agony. What people didn’t know was that I am a drug addicted mother that wanted to take her life because the hospital told me I almost killed my baby during delivery when the injection caused a reaction with both of us where we had to detox in the hospital his first week of life. On top of that, my relationship with my son’s father wasn’t the picture perfect that we wanted people to see. I was unhappy, trapped in my own body. I needed substances to function which caused a strain with my son’s father and resulted in kicking me out of our home because I couldn’t give up those things even for my child.

The very moment where suicide sounded like the best result, was the afternoon of August 26, 2016. I had been coming from over a 2 weeklong binge of experimenting which things would take me out the quickest. Before I made the decision, I went over to our apartment to see my son in what I thought was going to be the last time and say goodbye. I wanted him to have a better life and my head told me without me in this world, he will have a better chance. After the visit, I wanted to do this at the safest place I knew which was my grandparents' home. My grandparents have watched over us since I was a baby, and they were my comfort when all chaos was around. They knew I plummeted, but they still love me unconditionally. I got to the house and said I wanted to lay down but use the bathroom first. What they didn’t know and didn’t want them to know was I ingested all I had left in that bathroom and came out to lay on the couch. Over the course of a few minutes, the last I remembered was shutting my eyes and darkness. However, the darkness turned into a warm presence that was familiar to me. It was my father who passed away when I was ten. He just walked over to me and said, “It’s not your time yet honey, you have so much more to do”. Was I dreaming? Does he know how much I screwed up everything. I said, “I want to stay with you, I already screwed everything up”. The last I remember from this encounter was just him smiling where I trusted him. I woke up, my baby boy was standing right in front of me. My mother made me aware my heart stopped for 5 minutes. At that moment, I said “I need help, but I don’t know how to find help”.

That is where my journey began. I am grateful to say since the decision of being honest I needed help; I am not only five years sober. I am also at peace where I am today. I still have bad days, although instead of thinking of the end, I have a support system to reach out to. If you are currently struggling and feel ashamed having thoughts of suicide, you are not alone. Additionally, there are resources out there that will help. It loses power when we seek a solution and gain freedom and joy.