Buddha said “life is suffering,” and he wasn’t kidding. Suffering is inevitable in life; so why do we run from it so much? Because it hurts, duh. Why would you sit with sadness, grief, disappointment and heartbreak when you know you could distract yourself with work, a bottle of wine, or throw yourself in a new, exciting relationship? Why would you cry when you could numb out while watching The Office?

The thing is, after every work shift, at the bottom of the bottle, when your date goes home, or when the Season 9 Finale of The Office’s credits start rolling, the emotions you’ve pushed away bubble back to the surface of your awareness. This can prompt many of us into an exhausting race to extinguish the flames of despair before they fully ignite. The race brings its own demons (guilt and shame) as we act recklessly to avoid the emotional stillness that we fear.

But, what if we did allow the stillness to come? What if we let the hurt, pain, and suffering be felt? 

We would find that emotions are like waves that crash into the shore and soak into the sand or wash away with the current. When our emotions complete their cycles, they’re no longer tugging at our hand begging for attention. Often, we are more afraid of what we might feel, than we are of the actual feelings that await us.

Sitting with feelings is scary. It comes with uncertainty and oftentimes, dread. But it is also brave, bold, and courageous. Some of us have been running from our emotions for so long that we have no frame of reference as to where they came from or how to face them. “Sitting with it” involves tearing down the protective walls, allowing yourself to feel the emotions without judgment, and eventually accepting them as they are. Raw and painful as they may be, expressing them allows air to breathe and healing to occur. 

Pro Tips for “Sitting with It”: 

• Let it be messy. It’s okay if you ugly cry, and it’s okay if you throw a three-year old tantrum on the bathroom floor. You’ve earned the right to be less than perfect.

• If letting your emotions in feels too scary, prepare a list of coping strategies you can use if you start to feel  overwhelmed. I recommend DBT strategies or grounding exercises to bring you back into present awareness -- my favorite is to eat a WarHead or grab some frozen veggies in my refrigerator and place them on my wrists or neck.

• Take baby steps. If you haven’t said hello to your sadness in a while, it might be helpful to have “short visits” before you trust sadness with your “house key”.

• Remember there’s no “right” way to feel your emotions. You might cry for 10 seconds then feel totally fine, or you might cycle through several emotions simultaneously and find yourself laughing several minutes later.

• All feelings are valid, they may not necessarily be rational --- that’s okay.

• Start a list of anxiety triggers, and ask yourself “what are the underlying feelings or fears behind each one”? Give yourself a quiet hour to deepen your awareness of these and do so non-judgmentally.

• Work with a therapist on increasing your ability to feel safe in feeling your emotions.  

During this strange time of social distancing, quarantining, and forced moments of quiet and solitude, try practicing sitting with your feelings.  Remember to give yourself grace and let them flow naturally.

Authored by Tori Emerick M.Ed., NCC, APC, CCTP