Jealousy is often assumed to be a sign of troubled waters. Some might say, “it isn’t healthy!” There’s an incredibly common misconception that non-monogamous people, or those who have multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships, do not experience jealousy. The reality of this is that all of these statements could not be further from the truth, as jealousy is an emotion that everyone feels at different times, even outside of romance. Jealousy is something we reluctantly feel when a co-worker receives a promotion or a friend posts pictures of their amazing vacation on social media. It does not mean that we are not happy for them, but we feel jealousy when someone has something that we do not or something that we are fearful of losing. Jealousy is all around us and it can, despite popular opinion, be used for good.

Jealousy is as normal of an emotion as happiness and sadness. For both monogamous and non-monogamous people, jealousy can be used as a tool that indicates that something deeper is happening within themselves.

When feeling jealousy, this usually means that one, or possibly both, of these circumstances are happening:

1. A need is not being met

2. There is an insecurity related to this specific topic

For instance, if we use this approach with the co-worker example, we could conclude that jealousy is being felt towards the co-worker receiving a promotion because we are struggling to make ends meet and/or we do not feel valued or appreciated at our job. This realization allows us to take responsibility for our own emotions and identify the possible root cause of the jealousy. In this scenario, we were able to also determine that while our feelings are valid, they are not our co-worker’s fault. Sometimes jealousy can cloud our judgment and we can end up taking out our frustrations on someone who does not deserve it. Even if that person were to have caused our needs not to be met or they are responsible for creating an issue, acknowledging the deeper personal reason behind the jealousy can allow us to articulate our needs to that person in a more rational way instead of lashing out.

All relationships, both monogamous and non-monogamous, require communication. In fact, multiple relationships require more coordination, openness, and honesty. The fear of being vulnerable can play a major part in miscommunication between partners and, ultimately hinder your connection with your partner or partners. For many, exploring their internal emotions and assessing the root of their feelings of jealousy is something they have never done before. Jealousy can give us an opportunity to pinpoint and express concerns to our partner but it can also give us practice with being vulnerable and asking for things that we need. This could include verbalizing “I feel jealous when you go out with your friends on Thursday nights because I am worried that you enjoy spending time with them more than you do with me.” With more discussion, this could include asking for reassurance from your partner that they still enjoy spending time with you, scheduling an ongoing date night with them for more time out, or picking up a personal hobby for yourself that you enjoy doing on Thursday nights while your partner is out.

Ultimately, we may feel an immense amount of guilt and anger for experiencing feelings of jealousy because it has gotten a bad reputation. In movies and on social media, we see that at times jealousy can drive people to pretty extreme behaviors. While it is true that unchecked and unprocessed jealousy can be detrimental, it is important to remember that this is true of any emotion. Individual and couples therapy can be vital in assisting with unpacking these difficult feelings and/or just practicing being vulnerable with our partner or partners. Overall, it is important to remember that the actual feeling of jealousy is not wrong, in fact, it is natural and normal and most people feel it at different levels. What is important is what we do with this jealousy, how we express it, and how we use it to strengthen our relationships with others. 

Helpful resources for jealousy:

• The Jealousy Workbook

• Managing Jealousy [pdf]

• 5 Simple Ways to Stop Jealousy From Ruining Your Relationship

Authored By: Amanda Murray, LPC