Valentine's Day is over, it's time to put away your pink and red accessories, finish the chocolates, and retire your heart-shaped jewelry until next year. Whether you had a fancy date night or a low-key night in, showering your romantic partner (or yourself!) with love and attention is a time-honored and fun tradition. Before you and your partner fall back into your comfortable routine, it's important to take some time to think about the health and status of your relationship. 

There are a few key things to look for in a healthy relationship, and they all relate to attachment. No, not being joined at the hip, but emotional attachment. Your attachment style is how you relate to others in the context of an intimate relationship. Attachment styles are formed in childhood from how you related to your parents or caregivers, but it can certainly change over time and can be influenced later in life by peers, friends, and even your partners.

Some of the characteristics of an unhealthy attachment style could include a desire to distance yourself from your partner, or becoming uncomfortable with intimacy, shying away from connection with your partner and preferring more alone time than time spent together (avoidant attachment style). Perhaps you find yourself longing for attention and craving a closeness with friends or romantic partners, but have an acute sensitivity to perceived threats to the relationship. If you or your partner need constant reassurance, and are sometimes “needy” or “clingy”, you may be in an “anxious attachment style” relationship.

The healthiest and longest lasting relationships are found most often between those who have found secure attachment with their romantic partner. When you're in a secure relationship, you feel comfortable and at ease, never worrying about the status of your relationship and rarely hesitating to express your emotional needs. The “secure attachment style” relationship never has you asking where you stand in the relationship, or wondering when the next date is. Secure relationships feel healthy, confident, and strong. 

So, how do you know if you have a healthy relationship and a healthy attachment style? It's not just common interests or the feeling of butterflies in your stomach! Healthy attachment in a relationship looks like this: 

Availability

Securely attached partners make time for each other. They plan dates, spend time together, and talk on the phone. They're emotionally available for their partners, and will be there to celebrate a big win and take care of each other when one is down. An available partner makes intentional space in their day and their mind for their relationships.

Consistency

We all know “a healthy relationship is built on trust”. But often-times, consistency is the key to building that trust. A consistent partner follows through with their promises. They call when they say they'll call, they show up on time (or close to it), and they never leave a partner wondering “what’s happening”. Consistent partners never have to question where they stand in the relationship and they don’t leave room for their partner to question where they stand either.

Responsiveness

Responsiveness is more than just the ability to carry on a conversation. Securely attached partners pick up on each other's verbal and nonverbal cues, and respond to each other's wants and needs in healthy, constructive ways. Secure relationships often require lots of conversation, active listening, and empathy. They may not know how their partner feels exactly, but they will always ask questions to gain a deeper understanding.

Compassion

Compassion is key in healthy relationships. Securely attached partners show kindness, caring, and a desire to help each other through hard times. They make attempts to understand each other’s “big emotions”, and want to be a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. They also know when their partner needs a little space and is able to provide it without questioning the status of the relationship.

Joy

Finally, securely attached partners find joy in each other and in their relationship. They find happiness in themselves and their partners, and can enjoy each other's company even in difficult situations. They are confident in themselves and in the relationship, and this allows space for relaxation, adventure, romance, and fun!